On relationships
• Posted by Mana on June 26th, 2007
A chat with a friend from college prompted me to think about this subject for perhaps the umpteenth time. Though he is one of the nicest people you will see around, he suspects that he will never be in a relationship due to “nice guy syndrome”.
Yes, I’m talking about *that* kind of relationship. and no I’m not talking about my own, considering I am not currently in one and am in no hurry to be in one.
That said, I’ve noticed a few things that happen to be rather paradoxical about relationships.
Let’s begin today’s list:
1. People are all too often interested in someone that they could never be compatible with, or never be able to live with, or never be able to get with. Basically, people are very often interested in people they don’t know that well. And there seem to be several reasons why, that I can immediately think of (yes! a list within a list!):
- It is a journey of discovery (yay for HSC english!)
- The other person, because they are different, are interesting
- If the relationship turns out to not be the one both were looking for, there is less awkwardness and repercussion (in a practical sense; breakups are almost always painful for at least one side I would assume.)
Which brings me to:
2. People are rarely interested in friends, especially the close friends. BUT - people can become close to each other and be close friends after being in a relationship - the other way round. And I can think of another appropriate list that goes here:
- Mutual friends may or may not approve; either way, once they know, there is plenty of talk.
- If you are in classes together, live near each other, or know each other through some event you both attend, then, long stigma if the relationship ends badly. Especially if you keep seeing the person.
- Other stigma attached to ending the relationship that was less likely than in (1). Plus your entire friendship group will know.
And:
3. “Nice Guy Syndrome”, though quite counterintuitive, is also not an uncommon finding. I would assume there is also a “Nice Girl Syndrome” of equivalent cause - though, it appears, of rarer frequency. For those that don’t know what the syndrome constitutes, it’s in regard to a person always being nice to everyone, but only ever being kept at arm’s length, never being able to pursue any meaningful relationship beyond friendship. And to be honest I have no clue why the heck this happens. As I said, it was counterintuitive. So no list here.
4. People will assume themselves to be in situation #1, though only in situations where they are clearly not. Yeah, like, what?! Well, basically, people will see themselves as not compatible or not “good enough” for some other person they are interested in, in the case where they really could be. Well okay, who am I to say that? I dunno. (irony intended…)
With that going for it I wonder myself if it is even worth pursuing. Then again, very recently I caught up with a friend from a while ago (okay, well I’ve known him since he was born), who used to be very reclusive. And he found someone, and I noticed a very big change in the way he acts, between now and a couple of months ago. The change appeared to happen at a threshold, whereby he found someone that he really liked. This in my mind means one of two things - 1. that he changed enough to be confident enough to ask someone out or - 2. that the asking someone out and being in a meaningful relationship changed him enough to be confident in things he does. Either way, there is a difference.
Which brings me back to the “relationship with friends” situation. Would this not be the best relationship as each person starts off knowing more about the other person? No-one can “pretend” to be someone else? Or have we been built to change upon being in relationship, thereby we also have the mechanism of not wanting to go out with someone we don’t want to change because we know and love them just the way they are? It seems way too complex for me. Therefore I wish to think about it.
Meanwhile back at college, I am reminded of several conversations at the dinner table stemming from this one comment that started all the others (but as of now has had not much effect):
“You guys should really go out with those girls.” - Magdalene
Now if you had any idea who “those girls” refers to, you’d realise how preposterous this sounds. And no, it was not because the group referred to by “You guys” picture themselves in situation #1. It was because of #2.
Since then there have been many random comments at the table. Many of these have gone along these lines:
“Jim, you know, Lydia likes you…”
The biggest shootdown from the guys end has to be this:
“If there were one hundred girls at college, you’d be… hmmm, 98 or 99?” - Joseph
Oh and remember Ego’s “List”? (Also remember that Nick was on the list at some point… rofl). I don’t think interest should be quantitative. It should be qualitative, and the list should only constitute one person. Because if there is someone out there for you, you wouldn’t want to be their second best or third best would you? I believe you at least owe your soulmate the courtesy.
Anyway, I better make “Clinically Oriented Anatomy” my soulmate over the next couple of days. Resource on Thursday… then DWC and Convention!
I think the problem with nice guy syndrome is that the ‘nice guy’ is not actually being themselves. They are conforming to the image of ‘niceness’, acting as they think others want them to be. Resultant is a shallow persona, which isn’t really that attractive to others. They do not operate from the core of their true self. And so there goes the confidence too.
P said this on June 26th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Tony. One day you’re going to make a girl very happy and she will likely be happy for the rest of her life. =)
And you will have long long conversations where you will get your head into even more of a muddle and at the end of the day you will both be sitting in your chairs, with your forefinger and thumb holding your chin making “hrmm” thinking noises.
Affy said this on June 26th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Tips for nice guys:
1) Become a Christian who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage.
2) Go to a church with lots of members of the opposite sex who are your age and think likewise.
3) Wait for some girl to wanna make you her husband (don’t seek after it, just wait for it to happen). There’s a shortage of good quality men who are willing to wait, and although some girls might like bad boys in the interim, a lot want nice guys for the long run.
OK, I’m sort of saying all of that tongue-in-cheek (because, even as a Christian, I think most Christians get married too young and it sort of annoys me). But seriously, there are girls out there who go crazy for nice guys. If I have a crush on a guy, and he does something particularly sweet, no matter how cheesy, it’s a big plus (i.e. a positive not a negative). If a girl’s going to like you, she’ll like you regardless of the niceness, but the niceness can increase it.
Also, what’s wrong with platonic relationships? I love my platonic friends. Seriously it’s such a privilege to be close to someone, regardless of the nature of the closeness. Yay for just friends!
Ummmmm said this on June 26th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Actually P that is a very good point… except for one thing. what if the guy actually is the nice guy all the way through?
Then they probably won’t have a problem. That quality reflects on every level of their character and it is apparent if they are being truly genuine or hiding behind a facade of shy-niceness. To put your true self forward, to act without considering how others perceive you - that is attractive.
Nobody’s talking about universal appeal, but they definitely won’t ‘only ever be(ing) kept at arm’s length’. I feel that (quoted) only applies when you’re not being yourself. When the niceness is just a defense against rejection.
P said this on June 26th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
Great post Mana. You have a good writing style - put some of my thoughts into words. Good Luck for your exams
isuru said this on June 27th, 2007 at 1:03 am
hmmm, difficult to reply to this one… it certainly puts into writing my thoughts for a lot of my life especially before, but not excluding up until now too. i have to say that being a christian does affect a lot of things in the way people think in general. and i definitely agree with people when they say that being yourself is the clincher in any relationship, platonic or romantic.
that is definitely not as easy to do as it is to say, though
by the way, i love the new layout… it looks absolutely awesome!
also, no more huge squares around emoticons - YES.
I can’t see my writing! Anyway, nice guys are syndrome is like this. During adolescent years, when everyone wants the “bad boy” basically, you won’t get anyone. Even though they don’t realize it then, they wouldn’t want anyone during that time. Its a crazy breakup makup mess =P. Afterwards, however, However, later on, a nice guy is like a fine wine. Not easy to come across. A friend once told me that nice guys are for the later years. So be it. Anyways, relationships are overrated anyways. It brings way too much drama, though having one person out there who really cares for you helps.
moi said this on June 27th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
can’t you read the writing? *sigh* i dunno how to fix that. cause i can read it…
i’m sure this can’t only apply to guys. I’m sure there are girls out there in this kind of situation…
During adolescence everyone wants to be the ‘bad boy’ eh?
I think i’ve misplaced my adolescence eh?
oh crap i just realised i haven’t had dinner yet… =S
Pantsman said this on June 27th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Argh I really really should be sleeping in prep for Resource tomorrow… but I read the post and couldn’t resist
Such is my love for this blog <3
In response to:
#2: Really? I must be some sort of relationships freak then…
#3: You have to let someone see all your “bad bits”/flaws for them to truly know you. Even BFGs have them. If you’re too anxious about being perfect or “nice”, it’s hard for anyone else to see your true character.
Affy’s comment: LOL
Good luck for tomorrow everyone! xoxoxo